|Sunday, September 17th, 2017|
Addicted to punishment
The only way to explain how I feel when I get to this point, is that I am drowning, and no will throw me a line. I'm screaming, and no one can hear me. I am so lonely and closed in and I try to keep going until I cant take it anymore. Eventually, everyone breaks. They cry, or they lash out. They speak to a friend or they turn to their family. I on the other hand, take what ever is in my reach and push it with a forceful, deep anger against what ever part of my body I chose in a hated moment of self hatred.
I know the drill. When I manage to stop myself, I turn off the lights and I lay down on the floor in the dark and listen to my tears hit the floor. I feel the heat of my punishment run down my legs as the regret, once again, sets in. I tell myself that I deserve it. That I did something so bad in a past life, and this is my punishment.
My heart pounds as I get up and realise what I have done. My head spins as I stand and my colour drains. I turn on the shower and undress, still crying without reason. As I step in to the shower and evaluate the damage, the boiling hot water burns my bloody skin and I cringe in pain.
I hate that I do this to myself, but I can't stop myself. I tell myself every time that this time was the last time. But it never is. I always fall back in to such a dark place that I feel nothing and after enough time, everyone has to feel something. I get to a point where any feeling is better than no feeling. To break the cycle of feeling numb. I wish I had other options, I wish I has another way of coping. But this is all I know.
This is my first time posting with you this evening. And so I am very sorry if this is a little heavy. I just felt as though I needed to get it off my chest. I needed to tell someone. Even if nobody listens.
|Saturday, October 4th, 2014|
Anyone still on this site????
Not many posts since last year, I hope people still come here. I'm in search of a buddy In or around Pensacola FL. Anyone need a new friend?
|Tuesday, June 3rd, 2014|
I really need a friend around boston ma for support with my liquid diet only
|Monday, September 9th, 2013|
don’t feel like myself
Hi! I’m 5'6.5" (169 cm), and I used to weigh 120 lbs (~54.4 kg). I don’t feel like myself these days. I just feel fat and ugly and completely out of control of my life. I can’t stand it. I’m 160lbs (72.6 kg) right now; I want to lose 40 lbs - 50 lbs (18.1 kg - 22.7 kg), or even more.
Other things~ I’m 22, I have bipolar disorder, and I love mathematics and physics, umbrellas and lightning storms, science documentaries and late night cartoons.
I’d love to make friends with anyone who gets what it’s like. It feels so much like no one else does.
|Wednesday, July 24th, 2013|
I'm 24 and extremely over weight. I look at my self and I'm disgusted with how I look. I use to be ana and Mia when I was 16-18. I'm so jealous of my friends and old pictures of myself. I want to be comfortable in my skin. My goal is to lose 100 pounds. Crazy I know. That's how over weight I am. I need friends and support! No one understands. There all skinny with leg gaps and can walk around in there bikinis. My control over my food is gone and I need to get it back. Please help! Current Mood: sad
|Monday, June 17th, 2013|
|Thursday, June 13th, 2013|
|Sunday, June 9th, 2013|
New to the community.
Hello everyone. I'm 18 years old. I've always had ED tendencies that come and go, and in the past month or so I've found myself going back to my old ways. I NEED to feel like I'm in control. That is the one thing I hate the most about myself is that I never, ever am.
I'm mostly on livejournal for following communities, but feel free to add me. And if you're on tumblr, you can add me (my name is longingforbones).
Please help me stay in control and become beautiful.
|Friday, May 24th, 2013|
Wish me luck
I am a big fat pig. Just had 847858 calories. Well, I am stronger than this. This ain't me. 10 days liquid diet. I am going to do this!
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
|Monday, February 25th, 2013|
Happy I found This Community
So happy that I found this community. I was just searching the internet and this place popped up. I am looking to make friends and give support to others. I have been ana/bulimic for years. But I am embracing ana again to the highest level. I was recovering (or trying to) when I met my bf back in 2004, he wanted me to stop hurting myself and get better, and then we got married in 2008. And now his constant mental and verbal abuse of my weight and all has made me turn back to Ana. My dear old friend. I want to be pretty, since all the lies that my husband told me back then were not true. He said he loved me no matter how I looked. It was a lie, so here I am I have already lost 15 pounds this month (very proud of myself). And looking forward to seeing my weight drop more. I am not stopping this time. No matter what people start saying to me. I hate the way that I look and that I actually gained so much weight back but I know that I am going to get to my goal weight. I want to be 110 or less. The smaller I can be the better. Current Mood: apathetic
|Tuesday, February 5th, 2013|
back after 7 years
I'm back to ana after 7 years of recovery - but thinking about it, I don't think I ever fully recovered. I tried to stay away when I got pregnant the first time, and after having 2 kids. After all, I don't want to pass on this lifestyle to my girls! But gaining 40 pounds from 2 term pregnancies (and 4 miscarriages) was TOO much for me to handle mentally. Nursing melted almost all the weight off after my first baby. The 2nd time around has not been so "easy" (almost no time to exercise!). I don't want to get to my all time low of 93, but 105 would be nice (who am I kidding? is it ever low enough?).
so, anafriends.org has been shut down. Are Wysteria and Mirror_of_Lies and Reeney out there somewhere??? I miss you!
|Sunday, January 27th, 2013|
I think of Sunday as the first day of a new week. I really need to buckle I think of Sunday as the first day of a new week. I really need to buckle down and focus on losing weight. I have so much coming up in the down and focus on losing weight. I have so much coming up in the next few months and I know I won't be happy or enjoy it if I remain at next few months and I know I won't be happy or enjoy it if I remain at this weight. I know that sounds awful but it is just how I am. I have this weight. I know that sounds awful but it is just how I am. I have been volleying within this 7 pound range and it kills me. I am always been volleying within this 7 pound range and it kills me. I am always going to the extreme (working out for 3+ hours and eating low calories going to the extreme (working out for 3+ hours and eating low calories or barely working out and eating too much). I want to start walking or barely working out and eating too much). I want to start walking every morning and eating a low amount of calories per day. every morning and eating a low amount of calories per day. Occasionally fasting. I would run but I have bad knees and it isn't a Occasionally fasting. I would run but I have bad knees and it isn't a sustainable workout for me. I would rather lose a moderate amount of sustainable workout for me. I would rather lose a moderate amount of weight before my big events in the next few months than none. *sighs* weight before my big events in the next few months than none. *sighs*
Anyway. If anyone ever needs support or a safe person to talk to I am Anyway. If anyone ever needs support or a safe person to talk to I am here. here.
|Thursday, December 27th, 2012|
New girl here....
Hello there lovelies!
It's been a while since I have been able to find another active community since I rejoined livejournal. So It was a relief to come across this community, espiecally where you are all so supportive of one another because that's really would I could do with right now. I have kind of relapsed back into my old habits a while ago, I can't look at myself in the mirror without feeling so disgusting. So here goes nothing.
Height - 5ft 5 inches
Current weight - 136 pounds (Huge I know!)
Highest weight - 148 pounds (Ughh!)
Lowest weight - 96 pounds
Target weight - 90 pounds
Basically I am going to try and lose weight every week, by setting myself a goal each week and then hopefully if I reach it each week I can be on my to my official target goal!. Current Mood: anxious
|Monday, November 5th, 2012|
|Thursday, October 18th, 2012|
Just curious if any of you have fb and wondering if you guys would like to have a private group on there? I don't get on here as much as I want and I don't really get notifications like I do with fb
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
|Friday, October 12th, 2012|
Well day two of my fasting. Yesterday I had about 100 calories. Today I have had coffee and a cucumber. I am looking to drop weight fast and get back to my lowest. I seen my psychologist yesterday and he wanted to put me back inpatient but I talked my way out if. I'm looking for buddies to help me get through this
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
|Thursday, October 11th, 2012|
I haven't been on here in forever and I don't know where to start. My depression is getting worse and I feel like a fat cow!! I am taking control from my binges n not gonna give in!!! I need support but everyone around me knows of my past with Ed and says I need to just get over it.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
|Wednesday, August 8th, 2012|
|Monday, August 6th, 2012|
I just joined after seeing all you lovely people on here...I was just starting to feel good about myself and getting close to my UGW. then i was put on medication for depression and lost control of myself and started gaining weight again. That only made me feel worse. I really need to get back on track. I would like a buddy this time around.
Thanks<333 Current Mood: restless